Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize