your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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