honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
