Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
