so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
