Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
