One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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