swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
