I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
