Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
