Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
