Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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