im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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