Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
