Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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