I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
