please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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