I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
