If that was your dad, he is hot
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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