I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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