My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
