I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
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