Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
