You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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