i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
