we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize