I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
