I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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