my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
