I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
it's not cheating when I paid for it
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
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