this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You are a genius and a whore.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
