There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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