We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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