dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
