Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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