Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
