Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
