I wanna passion pit in your ass
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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