Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
