Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
