Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
