so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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