I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
