She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
