For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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