im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize