Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
