I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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