I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
