grandma shit on top of the toilet
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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