how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just cropdusted the office
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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