cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
