don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
