Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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