Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
