just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
