i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
