so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
