just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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