Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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